a warm place

11:48 am - DAMNIT
The cops almost got us AGAIN last night. It was like a movie where the three stoner kids run across the field, narrowly avoiding the cop's spotlight. Fuck the police. Needless to say we never smoked a bowl in the bowl, BUT WE WILL. By god, we will TRIUMPH.

current mood:

tired

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

5:13 pm - "What time does it close?" "Sunset." "What does that mean?" "....When the sun goes down?"
Last night was...amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing. I haven't been to a good redneck party in way too long. We partied with the entire high school football team and their bitches in a barn in the middle of nowhere. The cops came and we thought we were going to jail. Smoked some fucking good ass weed, drank a bunch of beer and just generally made asses of ourselves all over town. THEN, we went to PEPITO'S HOUSE. AHH, I've missed him so. He's got some creepy ass fucking friends though.

I will summarize.

Skate park, cheap wine, 6pm.

Walmart, more cheap wine, 8pm

My house, hard liquor, 9pm

Ghetto ass barn, 2 kegs, amazing weed, Gangsta boo Jamie, sherriff 9pm-12am

Walmart, interpretive dancing, yelling at people 12am-1am

My house, food, arguing, 1am-1:30am

"Going to Taco Bell" ending up at gas station, Weird Frank guy, PEPITO!!, Fayetteville cop, driving (kinda), Franks Apartment, Vodka, 2am to whenever.

And it's fucking on again tonight. Smoking a bowl in the bowl, BITCHES IT'S ON!

current mood:

happy

Friday, August 1st, 2003

4:05 pm
Time to make another huge decision. My parents just called and said they didn't get a load going west and they wont get one for 2 weeks. I have to decide if I want to drive 1200 miles alone, or wait out 2 more weeks here with no money and no job so I can follow them out there. Waiting 2 more weeks means I'll have to say goodbye all over again. I don't know what to do. Maybe this is a sign?

current mood: Fuck

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003

10:44 pm - You know...
I can't decide if no one really believes that I'm leaving, or they just don't care.

current mood:

distressed

2:33 am - *REMINDER TO MYSELF*
"They don't exactly hire the sharpest pharmacists to work late at night, the only people that come in then for help with diagnosing something have something seriously wrong with them, LIKE THEY BEEN SHOT!"

The lady a few tables down laughed like 5 minutes. So did we. HAHA. I just don't realize how loud I am I guess.

Friday, July 25th, 2003

12:51 pm
"Safe on the interstate
New York is three thousand miles away
And I'm not looking forward to following through
But it's better than always running back into you
I've closed my eyes and my bank account
And gone west, young man

Take off the parking brake
Go coasting into a different state And I'm not looking forward to missing you but I must have something better to do
I've got to tear my life apart and go west, young man
And it feels like I've got something to prove
But in some ways it's just something to do
My friends turn me around and say, 'You go west, young man'"

Ooooooooh yeah. So the show last night, well last night in general I guess, that's the kind of thing that's making it hard for me to leave. Fayetteville has such character and history, I love it. I can always come back I guess.

I'm leaving a week from today!

EDIT: I fucking suck at packing. Big time. I need help. Hahah

current mood: Terrified, yaay!
current music: Liz Phair-Go West <3

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003

3:37 pm
I'm just not cut out to be a girly girl. Oh well.

Friday, July 18th, 2003

11:47 pm
Two weeks. I can't wait.

current mood:

excited

1:14 am
At the ripe old age of 19, I am tired.

I'm tired of never being thin enough, of not being beautiful enough, of always being "one of the guys", of trying so fucking hard to live up to expectations, I'm tired of waking up every day and hating who I see in the mirror, of writing and writing and writing and never feeling any better, I'm tired of avoiding people, of trying to be cool, of always being bored.

I am tired of this life...and myself.

And I'm sitting in the dark writing letters that will never be sent.

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003

9:37 pm - FUCK
Well my mom just basically told me that I'm not welcome in Tucson. What the fuck am I going to do? I CAN'T stay here. I hate this fucking town. I have absolutely no friends. Not one. I am so fucked. SO fucked. I should drive my car into a fucking tree at 100mph, then my dad wouldn't have to pay for it after I'm dead. I can't even fucking describe how I feel right now.

(4 ripples | Touch the surface...)

2:52 pm - Let me try again...
Let's see if I can make this clear. I am leaving. Hopefully in a week or less. There are very very few circumstances under which I will stay here. One of them is a boy whom I rarely even speak to anymore. Once again, I'm leaving. I really don't appreciate being harassed about it either. I'm not staying here. The end.

current mood:

grumpy

Monday, July 14th, 2003

12:07 am
And I'm sitting alone in the dark on the porch smoking cigarettes and trying to figure out where I fucked up. It's time for me to start being honest with myself. I just keep wondering when I'm going to start feeling like an adult. I need an earth shattering tragedy to jolt me back into reality. I need to figure out what's really important in life. I need to get out of here.

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003

2:33 pm
In my mind I'm already gone. I hate this fucking town and it's two faced asshole people. Twelve days. Twelve fucking days.

current mood:

depressed

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003

1:29 pm - I need to get motivated god damnit.
I'm leaving in TWO weeks, and I really haven't started packing or anything. AHH. And something is wrong with my car. And I don't have any money, and I'm scared. But OH SO EXCITED. YAAY. I'm getting my cell phone shut off tomorrow so if you need my home and work numbers leave a comment and I'll hook a nigga up. YAAY!

current mood:

stressed
current music: Hot Hot Heat-Beetlejuice ;)

Saturday, July 5th, 2003

1:42 pm - Hell YUH!
I celebrated the 4th in true white trash fashion. I closed Subway early (shhh) and went to Tonya's house where they were waiting for me with a fat fucking blunt. We smoked on the front lawn, set off $100 bucks worth of fireworks and ate steaks and peach cobbler. There were like 5 little dirty kids running around and two huge Boxer doggies. Happy birthday America! Hahaha.

current mood: Brain dead. Too much drugs...

Sunday, June 29th, 2003

1:45 pm - AH
Ever since I moved back in with my parents I'm only sleeping like 5 hours a night. I have a LOT of spare time. Good thing they have satellite TEEVEE.

I started eating meat again, by the way. Who knew turkey was so good?!

current mood: Don't wanna go to workkkkkkkkk

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

4:09 am
And once again I stumble in very late and very confused.

I
just
don't
know
anything
anymore.

Friday, June 27th, 2003

2:22 pm - Yes fucking ma'am!
LOS ANGELES (June 27) - Smoking marijuana will certainly affect perception, but it does not cause permanent brain damage, researchers from the University of California at San Diego said Friday in a study.

"The findings were kind of a surprise. One might have expected to see more impairment of higher mental function," said Dr. Igor Grant, a UCSD professor of psychiatry and the study's lead author. Other illegal drugs, or even alcohol, can cause brain damage.

His team analyzed data from 15 previously published, controlled studies into the impact of long-term, recreational cannabis use on the neurocognitive ability of adults.

The studies tested the mental functions of routine pot smokers, but not while they were actually high, Grant said.

The results, published in the July issue of the Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, show that marijuana has only a marginally harmful long-term effect on learning and memory.

No effect at all was seen on other functions, including reaction time, attention, language, reasoning ability, and perceptual and motor skills.

Grant said the findings are particularly significant amid questions about marijuana's long-term toxicity now that several states are considering whether to make it available as a medicinal drug.

In California, growing marijuana for medical purposes is legal under a voter-approved law.

The UCSD analysis of studies involving 704 long-term cannabis users and 484 nonusers was sponsored by a state-supported program that oversees research into the use of cannabis to treat certain diseases.

Anecdotal evidence has shown that marijuana can help ease pain in patients with diseases like multiple sclerosis or prevent severe nausea in cancer patients, but the effects have yet to be proven in controlled studies, Grant said.

The UCSD research team said the problems observed in learning and forgetting suggest that long-term marijuana use results in selective memory defects, but said the impact was of a very small magnitude.

"If we barely find this tiny effect in long-term heavy users of cannabis, then we are unlikely to see deleterious side effects in individuals who receive cannabis for a short time in a medical setting," Grant said.

In addition, he noted that heavy marijuana users often abuse other drugs, such as alcohol and amphetamines, which also might have long-term neurological effects.

Some of the research studies used in the analysis were limited by the numbers of subjects or insufficient information about factors like exposure to other drugs or whether participants suffered from conditions like depression or personality disorders.

"If it turned out that new studies find that cannabis is helpful in treating some medical conditions, this enables us to see a marginal level of safety," Grant said.